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Mar 5 2017 01:14am
So I moved in with my girlfriend with the idea that even if we did end up breaking up, I can support myself enough until I could get a buddy to room with me.
We moved in together and she's unable to find a job.
I've been stressing her to find one, and I believe she is trying, but I also feel like it's putting a large burden on me to support both of us. ( ex. I can't call out of work if I'm sick because of how tight bills are) normally this would be fine, but I've been doing it for 7 months and it's getting overwhelming.
She's had one interview with no recall, and I'm starting to feel trapped.
I don't want to nag her, but it's becoming a point where I get angry at the fact that she can not get a job, maybe more that I have been breaking my ass and I feel she's not putting in the effort I am.

Advice please. I do care for her lots, but physically and mentally I feel like I am being drained.
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Mar 5 2017 01:34am
Quote (The_Chosen @ Mar 5 2017 02:14am)
So I moved in with my girlfriend with the idea that even if we did end up breaking up, I can support myself enough until I could get a buddy to room with me.
We moved in together and she's unable to find a job.
I've been stressing her to find one, and I believe she is trying, but I also feel like it's putting a large burden on me to support both of us. ( ex. I can't call out of work if I'm sick because of how tight bills are) normally this would be fine, but I've been doing it for 7 months and it's getting overwhelming.
She's had one interview with no recall, and I'm starting to feel trapped.
I don't want to nag her, but it's becoming a point where I get angry at the fact that she can not get a job, maybe more that I have been breaking my ass and I feel she's not putting in the effort I am.

Advice please. I do care for her lots, but physically and mentally I feel like I am being drained.



First thing is, have you sat down and let her know how you feel, and pretty much just explain it to her exactly as you have here, and go from there.

Being honest, most women aren't very good moochers anyways they like to have financial freedom and to contribute( my experiences anyways)

My suggestion would be setting a realistic time for her to find and get settled into this new job, and then go from there.

Now I don't know where you live at specifically, but I know her around me every gas station snd restaurant around is hiring, and usually you don't need very much experience to ge hired.

There are plenty of jobs out there unfortunately most are every level and pay minimum wage, but something's better then nothing.

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Mar 5 2017 02:51am
I have sat down to talk to her about it but it ended up with me angry because I no she's trying so it's not her fault but I don't know how to explain what I want. She has extreme anxiety too which adds another problem. What is a reasonable timeframe to get a job and what kind of consequence if not getting one ? I feel like breaking up when she's trying to get one Is too harsh.
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Mar 5 2017 03:46am
Quote (The_Chosen @ Mar 5 2017 03:51am)
I have sat down to talk to her about it but it ended up with me angry because I no she's trying so it's not her fault but I don't know how to explain what I want. She has extreme anxiety too which adds another problem. What is a reasonable timeframe to get a job and what kind of consequence if not getting one ? I feel like breaking up when she's trying to get one Is too harsh.



Nah I'm not suggesting that at all.

First the sit down needs to happen regardless of anger and anxiety. Put down bullet points of what you want to talk about on paper if that helps you organize your thoughts. That should help with anger because you won't be just free styling it, you'll have a script to follow.

Set a timeframe that works for both of you. And discuss possible outcomes if she doesn't find a job. That might lead to some motivation.

Above all else man the communication part is make or break, find what works best fircyou, so you can organize your thoughts and be able to discuss them without anger.
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Mar 5 2017 04:06am
Yeah I definitely agree that communication is important. I'm unsure what outcome other then her not getting a job will come out of he being unable to find a job. I mean I guess I can help her well she applies and remind her to call, but she needs to be able to motivate herself to get the job I feel or during the interview / well proforming the job it will show she does not want to be there.
At least that's how I feel. I know she's trying. I don't know how hard, and with what degree of actual desire. I know I've been being a nag and a brat. (Which I hate doing because I hate it being done to me)

All in all what other positive things do you think setting a time frame can do other than invoking stress and what other outcome can coming of her not finding a job
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Mar 5 2017 04:44am
Quote (The_Chosen @ Mar 5 2017 05:06am)
Yeah I definitely agree that communication is important. I'm unsure what outcome other then her not getting a job will come out of he being unable to find a job. I mean I guess I can help her well she applies and remind her to call, but she needs to be able to motivate herself to get the job I feel or during the interview / well proforming the job it will show she does not want to be there.
At least that's how I feel. I know she's trying. I don't know how hard, and with what degree of actual desire. I know I've been being a nag and a brat. (Which I hate doing because I hate it being done to me)

All in all what other positive things do you think setting a time frame can do other than invoking stress and what other outcome can coming of her not finding a job



Well at the end of the day she's gotta realize that you need some help and you need her to bring a little more to the table.

Like you says you were entertaining the idea of a roommate? Is that something she would be ok with, bevause if she doesn't find s job then that's something you would have to do to ensure your own survival.

What do you think is a fair outcome for not having A job? I honestly think she will appreciate your nagging in the long run, because you are trying to help her.

That's why I said having that open line of communication on how important it is for her to find a job is step 1.

I'm not saying she isn't trying or not trying hard. But there comes a time when enough is enough. You just have to decide what you are going to do about it bro.
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Mar 5 2017 05:55pm
I would not venture for a roommate in the current situation especially with your stress nearing breaking points. A person on either side of the fence will just hammer home the nail between you guys. Unless it's like a 65-y/o gal who just can't afford being solo. But toss in a 25-y/o new best friend for you or her, and just, leave it at that. Let your mind wander on it's own. The one thing it will solve is your issue. But I see it opening up potentially many other avenues. If it's a female, you're gonna be 2v1 on everything. If it's a guy, well, he may be emotionally supportive while you are gone and she's at home with her thoughts.

I don't want to scare you, but that's how these nothings turn into somethings.

The big thing here, is you're adults, so she should be able to handle the blunt truth. She is financially draining, without financial security, there won't be a relationship. Some people can get by living like bums and asking for an ear of corn and just need the loving embrace of someone else. Your posts scream that is not the case. So this will trend to collapse if she doesn't get a job.

It is not hard to get a job. If she's holding out for a career, I can understand, but that's why there are supermarket jobs. Managers can discern at the beginning of interviews whether or not a person wants to work, or if they want a paycheck. If she's interviewing even over the phone, and she isn't excited, because it's not her fit, she's being immature. You're doing everything you can to compromise, including the cost of your mental and physical health (7 months no sick days for even a beer and some fishing? Too much.). She's offering you one thing; physical connection. That body warmth and the investment of future yield.

Right now, you need your fucking bills paid. She needs to go clean toilets or babysit, or stock shelves, while she looks for a job. This is the real world. If my girlfriend sat on her ass for 7 months without much past a call, I would be fucking livid, and I would be very frugal with her. It wouldn't work out. That's me.

It's not the day and age where man goes and makes all the money and comes home to a house full of kids, cookies in a jar, and pot roast on the stove. There are still situations where that happens. Your plea for help tells me she may cook dinner and bake cookies, but it isn't enough for you.
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Mar 8 2017 05:12pm
Hey man, sorry to hear about your stress.

What I would do is focus on things you can control. You can't influence what people think of her, so as long as she's sending out applications and stuff, just let her do her thing. If you put pressure on her, it may affect her performance. She's already getting rejected by jobs, just be there for her as moral support.

What you *can* do is change where and how you spend your money. I would put together a budget if you don't have one already, and figure out where you can cut down costs. Do you have a lot of luxuries you could pare down? A lot of people pay ridiculous phone charges, I have friends that pay like $40-50/month for phone bills and I only pay like $5-10. Do you know how to cook budget meals? Buying in bulk and cooking from scratch can save a lot of money, if you put the effort in to researching economical dishes and waiting for deals. Even getting things like environmentally friendly shower heads and lightbulbs can help save on power and water bills, even though they may cost more initially.

Best of luck!
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Mar 8 2017 06:05pm
You must find out what her dreams and motivations are. What she wants to work with, what her interests are. People are naturally seeking involvement in life. You cannot force a seed to grow, if you do, you will break the seed stalk. You can only nurture it.

What you must do, is figure out if you want to continue the path of working like you do now for the rest of your life, and live with the woman you have chosen and all that comes with it... Or you can choose to quit the job, live on welfare (maybe you both could live on welfare, while looking for work?), and be happier with life? OR, you must choose to quit the relationship and continue with your life alone, maybe in time finding another relationship where both contribute.

I would consider slowing down your pace of life. You have chosen this relationship. To me, honor and trust comes before busting your ass to get through life. That is not to say you must live or act like hippies, but letting money shortage come between a relationship and true love, is to me not what life is about. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if i let that happen. So i would either cut down on the work, so that you can be happier, or try to inspire and motivate her on what she's good and, so that she can grow and find something she can work with and be happy. Or both! Obviously, the anxiety is caused because she feels inadequate. And you must not aggravate this condition further. It is not fair to her.

Just imagine; If you lost your job and couldn't find another, how would you feel if you had been busting her ass about it every day in the past??

This post was edited by Taurean on Mar 8 2017 06:06pm
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Mar 8 2017 06:21pm
Quote (Taurean @ Mar 8 2017 05:05pm)
You must find out what her dreams and motivations are. What she wants to work with, what her interests are. People are naturally seeking involvement in life. You cannot force a seed to grow, if you do, you will break the seed stalk. You can only nurture it.

What you must do, is figure out if you want to continue the path of working like you do now for the rest of your life, and live with the woman you have chosen and all that comes with it... Or you can choose to quit the job, live on welfare (maybe you both could live on welfare, while looking for work?), and be happier with life? OR, you must choose to quit the relationship and continue with your life alone, maybe in time finding another relationship where both contribute.

I would consider slowing down your pace of life. You have chosen this relationship. To me, honor and trust comes before busting your ass to get through life. That is not to say you must live or act like hippies, but letting money shortage come between a relationship and true love, is to me not what life is about. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if i let that happen. So i would either cut down on the work, so that you can be happier, or try to inspire and motivate her on what she's good and, so that she can grow and find something she can work with and be happy. Or both! Obviously, the anxiety is caused because she feels inadequate. And you must not aggravate this condition further. It is not fair to her.

Just imagine; If you lost your job and couldn't find another, how would you feel if you had been busting her ass about it every day in the past??


This is why I love Taurean. Thoughts and insights that I hadn't even considered.
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