Hey guys. Most people over at the League sub forum know me. Also some useast hardcore people may know me. I have been on jsp for quite a while now.
I am making this Blog to share my struggle with addiction and life with anyone who cares to read it. Most people who have not experienced addiction as a active alcoholic or addict go not understand what it means or feels like. If you take the time to read through this I hope it may help you see a little into the mind of someone who is fighting this.
A little bit about me. I am currently 25 years old. I play League mostly. But I do play other games sometimes. My life has been a interesting one so far. I have done stuff and been through stuff that you probably would not believe if I told you. Pretty much all of my family struggles with addiction in one way or another. Alcohol or Opiates.
I struggle with Alcohol addiction. As of writing this I have 53 days sober. I do want to share on what brought me here tonight.
Tonight I laid down at about 1 a.m. and tried to go to sleep. I honestly do not know what came over me. The most over powering urge to drink in my entire life came over me after I got done watching The Strain. It is insanely hard to describe, imagine just feeling like you have to have or do something and until you do nothing else in your entire life matters. I live in what is called a Sober Living house. The requirements for living here are obviously no drinking or using drugs of any kind and mandatory drug testing. Knowing this in my head I start looking for houses and apartments to rent on the internet for about a hour, only to realize I have fully planned out my relapse in my head.
I had different tabs open with potential places to rent. (Cannot call at 2 or 3 am haha) Because I know I would not be able to enjoy drinking in a place where I am not suppose to drink.
The most insane part of this for me is I know EXACTLY where this will take me. I cannot handle alcohol. I do not drink like a normal person at all, I end up drinking from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. It controls my life in every single way imaginably. Imagine if you could not go do ANYTHING without having to bring along enough alcohol with you to satisfy yourself until you get back. I am not saying I bring it with me because I honestly want to at that point, I do it because by the time I reach this point in my drinking I am only drinking to stop the withdraws.
Why on earth would I want to go back to that? Why would I want to literally go back to being alcohols slave? Literally it even effects my ability to play League. It is a miracle I got to gold permanently drunk.
I have already lost my career. (Financial Analyst.) Most of my normal friends. My family are all addicts really so they are of no help. Most importantly alcohol has taken my ability to live life from me.
Most of this stuff I did not lose because I was a drunk and ruined it. I honestly just choose alcohol over everything. Job? Well if I work less I can drink more! Friends? Well I will hang out as long as they do not interfere with my drinking! Wanna go do something? Well they better serve alcohol there or I prob do not wanna go.
It is sick. I ask myself why would I even think of going back to that for nothing other than the buzz it gives you? But that wears off.
The answer is I honestly have no clue. None at all. That is addiction.
I do ask if you have a family member who suffers from addiction know that they are sick. I know some people say "They are not sick they are just weak willed and are pussies" or something like that. I can tell you that is honestly not the truth for the addiction I know. I cannot explain it. I cannot understand it and it is happening to me. I honestly do not think I will stay sober at this rate. I want it so bad.
Sorry for sharing in such a bad state of mind tonight. I just had to share. I will try to update this at least once a day with how I am doing or something of the sort. If you have questions about addiction or wanna share on how you are doing or anything please do.
Thanks,
Kenny