Quote (JadeBlade23 @ 29 Apr 2014 19:36)
I'd be interested.
Things i might recommend after reading intro is to describe things rather than use descriptive words, if that makes sense. Some examples:
"The right ankle is obviously broken," okay, that doesnt really give me much of an image, although i think it easily could. maybe if you spent a sentence on it I could get a better sense of the shittiness of the situation. Exposed bone grinding on pavement, arterial spray filling his shoes, etc. This sentence should make the reader say "oh, what the fuck?" but it's just like yeah, okay, a zombie.
"strange, gelatinous" boogies? jizz? mustard?
"stillness in the air... man twitches" maybe make this into one sentence saying the stillness was broken by the man's convulsions. Try not to use the word "suddenly" like ever.
and maybe make it more ominous than a zombie. Like, a broken, staggered ankle, outstretched hands, blood trail, all are part of a.... monster package. Similar to a word package, which is using commonly used words to describe something in an unoriginal way. like saying "white sandy beaches, eye in the sky, sand between my toes, corona, etc etc" to describe a beach.
Also the present tense seems kinda weird to me.. did you stray from past tense purposely? why?
I agree with this guy,i believe that you need to describe everything you are writing like you were watching it,that will make the reader to feel what you are writting it will put him inside your story,making him a part of it.
Dostoevsky is a master of this technique,you should read Crime and Punishment,even though i didn't like the second half of the book,i believe it will help you a lot.
This post was edited by Schizophrenia on Oct 7 2014 05:20am