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Member
Posts: 11,547
Joined: May 22 2010
Gold: 3.79
Mar 6 2014 09:45pm
Don't Shave That Anal Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble ****ing.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic ****- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky ****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own **** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
Member
Posts: 4,481
Joined: Aug 25 2013
Gold: 4.05
Mar 7 2014 01:07am
I dated a girl who had an amputated left leg, it was amputated about mid thigh above her knee. She was a virgin when I met her. She was absolutely infatuated with sex, even though I'm hung like a 6 year old she loved my cock in her it was like a new found toy for her.
One time while starting sex (foreplay) i was about to go down on her with my tongue, instead I fingered her and began kissing and rubbing all over the end of her stump, and ran my tongue along her scar from the surgeons amputation. she orgasmed multiple times while I did this.
She was -the best- sex life I've ever had, I miss her like crazy.
Member
Posts: 122,780
Joined: May 2 2009
Gold: 20,232.06
Mar 7 2014 04:49am
imma be
Member
Posts: 48,386
Joined: Jul 10 2008
Gold: 179.69
Mar 9 2014 12:04am
i honestly wanna rage about this because not raging dose not show how tired i am of people playing heimer i mean honestly no skill required he is the most annoying wanna quit the game over playing against him champion all he has to do is lay turrets and wait he cant be fought against in lane because he just sits back in bushes with turrets and no one can do any thing getting vision on him requires running into double turret damage and he just hangs back and shoots at you if theres another range with him u cant even get to them there r many champions like this i'm tired of playing against people who can use things like stealth tanks with 2 stuns and assassins who can lock you in an endless knock up we need a way to defend against people who dont even need to try because there champions are OP
Member
Posts: 4,481
Joined: Aug 25 2013
Gold: 4.05
Mar 9 2014 12:32am
Quote (TRD @ Mar 8 2014 11:04pm)
i honestly wanna rage about this because not raging dose not show how tired i am of people playing heimer i mean honestly no skill required he is the most annoying wanna quit the game over playing against him champion all he has to do is lay turrets and wait he cant be fought against in lane because he just sits back in bushes with turrets and no one can do any thing getting vision on him requires running into double turret damage and he just hangs back and shoots at you if theres another range with him u cant even get to them there r many champions like this i'm tired of playing against people who can use things like stealth tanks with 2 stuns and assassins who can lock you in an endless knock up we need a way to defend against people who dont even need to try because there champions are OP


Thats a lot of rage. Its funny how u think I give a damn about lol. I quit its over with. The game is dead already give up. The only reason Im here to make make kids like them cry out and type rage essays for me. I guess my job is done.So all those kids can go on and play more lol and use heimer because they think their good. I mean they all talk like 5 year olds, grow up already kids.
Member
Posts: 4,481
Joined: Aug 25 2013
Gold: 4.05
Mar 9 2014 09:09pm
Quote (katharsis @ Mar 8 2014 11:32pm)
Thats a lot of rage. Its funny how u think I give a damn about lol. I quit its over with. The game is dead already give up. The only reason Im here to make make kids like them cry out and type rage essays for me. I guess my job is done.So all those kids can go on and play more lol and use heimer because they think their good. I mean they all talk like 5 year olds, grow up already kids.


there is no sin except to displease God. you cannot please or displease God. he chooses whether or not u sin or not.
Member
Posts: 122,780
Joined: May 2 2009
Gold: 20,232.06
Mar 10 2014 03:18am
sexy
Member
Posts: 48,386
Joined: Jul 10 2008
Gold: 179.69
Mar 18 2014 06:56pm
When Latika and Shaniqua told you that Tanisha ain't inviting you to her birthday party because apparently you and Bonquisha were straight up bitchin about Garliesha behind her back and Tanisha and Garliesha are tight... but you never even said nothing about Garliesha and you know it's that bitch Charrdannay spreading false rumours
Member
Posts: 48,386
Joined: Jul 10 2008
Gold: 179.69
Mar 21 2014 04:50pm
I'm a white boy, but my neck is red
I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread
My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail
Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail
How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh!
And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero
I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm
Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him
I can't dance
I wear khaki pants
My middle name's Lance
My Grandma's from France
So maybe I'm wack
'Cause my skin ain't black
But you can't talk smack
'Cause whitey just struck back
Member
Posts: 48,386
Joined: Jul 10 2008
Gold: 179.69
Mar 21 2014 09:34pm
i put 900 dollars in preflop with 38 OS. I barrel over and over, going over top of him trying to make him fold but he called my eventual all in and showed aces lol. Flop came 338 turn 3 river 8. The only reason i did this was because i have an ability to feel what cards are coming out. When i sat down at the table i didn't pay the BB, i waited till it was my turn so i could sense my opponents. It worked out for me in the end because of a special gift i was born with, i have the ability of reading peoples minds. Back when i was a young child my mother used to boil hot water down by the river on hot rocks to wash the clothes, then rinse them off in the cold running water. The rocks were rigid at the shore by our house and the water was very rapid and rough so it was very dangerous. One day my mother forgot i was playing by the shore and i was taken by the current. My head was slammed repeatedly over the hard rocks and my torso was thrashed around by the current. I was left a mess with my entire body broken except my spine and neck. I had severe head trauma and when i woke up i had to learn how to walk and do everything all over again. When my gift came obvious to me it was when iw as playing go fish with my uncle down by old crawfords pharmacy. i was able to guess every card in my uncles hand. I closed my eyes and i saw through his. Even online i have seen through my opponents eyes. I wish you all luck when you meet me on the green felt, you will need it.
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