All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. Who represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is http://www.whorepresents.com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at http://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, http://www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales , http://www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always; http://www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is http://www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com

how to get off a speeding ticket:


Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am you were speeding."

Woman: "Oh, I see."

Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Woman: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."

Officer: "Don't have one?"

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drinking."

Officer: "I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"

Woman: "I can't do that."

Officer: "Why not?"

Woman: "I stole this car and hacked up the owner."

Officer: "You what?"

Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car, and calls for back-up. Within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Senior Officer: "Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!"

Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Senior Officer: "One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Murdered the owner!"

Senior Officer: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please."

The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer: "Is this your car ma'am?"

Woman: "Yes, here are my registration papers."

The first officer is stunned.

Senior Officer: "One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license."

The woman digs into her book bag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license.

Senior Officer: "I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Betcha the lyin' bastard told you I was speeding too!"

REINCARNATION
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

THE MOST OFFENSIVE WORLD RECRDS


MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED

Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES

Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH

Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZITS

In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

WORST DRINK

The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani
Tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL

This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of french mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN

Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the
greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.


LONGEST TURD

The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who, produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 Mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.


MOST PROLONGED FART

Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestured alluringly
to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively
signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she
gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands. "Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across his lips and slyly popping a finger into his mouth.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender, flustered, managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies' room."

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well upon waking up that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "good morning, boss, happy birthday!"
I felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let’s go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."
Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday".
And I just sat there...

On the couch...





Naked.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist'?

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, "Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?"

The man replies, "Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home."

Why I Had to Change Hotels Last Week
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."