Guide To Becoming A J00 L33t Haxx0rz! - Topic

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Jan 12 2004 07:18pm

So, you want to be a l33t hax0r eh? You think you got what it takes to crack
those mad gibsons eh? Well... then YOU ARE WRONG!! YOU ARE WEAK AND JUST A
POSUR!!! FEAR MY WET COUGH!! AHHHH THE END IS NEAR!!

Okay, so let's start with the basics. and remember kiddies... whenever you
see one of THESE:

That means that there is an IMPORTANT tip
you MUST FOLLOW TO BE l33t!!! So watch for them.
Only a l33t hax0r would know this tho...

The first thing you must know and understand with hax0ring, is that you
cannont be l33t without internet access. Every l33t hax0r knows that the
best way to connect up to that vast internet, is thro America Online (a.k.a
AOL for you super-l33t).
Yes, that's right boys and girls, AOL. Not only to you have a superfast T3
connection (T3 is superfast for you beginners), but you also have GREAT
customer service and they love it when you hax0r them and tell them how
great they are. It costs $19.95 a month, but real hax0rs never pay it...
just tell them you are a hax0r and they will ph33r j00 and give it to you
free. I own them. They ph33r m3.

WITHOUT AOL, J00 CANNOT HAX0R ANYTHING!!
GET AOL OR J00 CANNOT BE l33t!!!

That was an important tip there kiddies... maybe you should jot that down,
but hey, if you don't that just means j00 are REALLY smart and a super
genius, you will indeed be a l33t hax0r yet.

You then must watch the movie "Hackers" at least 30 or 40 times (I've seen
it about 665 times... I'm watching it as we speak). TAKE LOTS OF NOTES!!!
This is very important... Only the rare super-l33t hax0rz don't have to take
notes, and that's because they are rare, YOU on the other hand should take
notes. Observe how they sk-8 around on them l33t rollerbladez, and do those
phat trix0rz. Notice how they use the Macintosh to hax0r (very smart... more
on that later). Also note the graphics (stunning) if you don't have those on
your screen when you are hax0ring, something is very wrong, like you are
stupid. Also, notice the use of the key phrase:

"HACK THE PLANET"

Please note, that ONLY the super-l33t are allowed to use this phrase. Saying
it automatically makes people ask you questions like, "How do I hack?" "Can
you get me some credit card numbers?" "Can I worship you?" and for men all
the fine ladies will flock to you and beg for sex (which you then must brag
about). Only the super-l33t know how to handle this fame, SO BEWARE. There
is a dark side to hax0ring, and you must overcome it.

You must periodically subtitute 'PH' for 'F' and visa versa. Example, I
would never say the word 'phone' but instead (because I am l33t and wanted
in 68 U.S.A. states, including Moscow and downtown Los Angeles) I would say
'fone'
See how much l33t3r that makes me? Or better yet... I'd never say 'files'
but rather, 'PHilez' (note the use of the 'z' in place of the 's' this is a
chix0r magnet for sure). So keep that in mind as you go on. And remember...
don't forget to brag (more on that in upcoming lessons)

Okie-dokie all you wanna-be l33t |<-R4d hax0rz you... you passed the first
lesson... now it's time for the next lesson:

j00 are indeed l33t if j00 have made it THIS far... wow... ENOUGH BABBLING!!
On with the lesson.

IF YOU GET CAUGHT... You must deny that you
saw this site... if you don't you might get thrown
in a cell with some guy named Mitnick... and
everyone knows HE isn't l33t...

wow... I opened up with a BANG didn't I?

Every l33t hax0r knows that part of being a l33t hax0r is bragging about
what you have done. Otherwise who will know? j00 will be just another lamer
without a fan following and no group named after you like 'K-Rad Force' or
something.
"But Fox," you say, "How can I brag without getting caught??"

I'm so glad you asked me that...

First, you must go into a chat room like #phreak, #2600 or even #hax0rz and
when you get in, you type:

"I AM A HAX0R DUDE... PH33R MY SKILLZ!!! I USE AOL, I HAXORED THEM!!"

Even if you didn't hax0r them at first (it took me two times before I could
hax0r their intense defenses, so keep trying) you must claim that you have,
otherwise you are just another lamer. If they don't respond at first, you
must scroll it many times until someone responds. This is the only way they
will ph33r j00.

Do not be dismayed if they kick you out, take this as a sign of great
respect. They ph33r you SO much they don't want you in there hax0ring thier
computers. If they don't kick you out... then you are just another lamer...
For extra bonus points, msg the ops ( the ones with the @ before thier
nicks) and tell them how much they suck and that you will hax0r them if they
don't let you back in. Watch how fast you get a fan following.

"But Fox," you whine, "This doesn't tell me how NOT to get caught!!"

Hold yer britches sparky, I'm getting to that. You see... it's your fans and
followers that will help you. Many scary, mean government officials may come
online looking for you, and if you are a lamer, people will tell them where
to find you. Of course, because you are using AOL, that makes it almost
impossible, since AOL ph33rz you and you get it free anyway. If you have
alot of hax0r friends, they will lie for you and you won't get caught.

See? I told you these lessons are important! Are you ready to go on?

Wowie Zowie my hax0r friends... You have made it to lesson 3. This is
possibly the most important lesson next to Lesson one and Lesson two, you
haven't made it to four yet... so I can't tell you that four is more
important... but hey, it's all about the fish.

YOU MUST KNOW THESE ACCRONYMS
OTHERWISE I WILL LAUGH AT YOU
and you can never be l33t...

Okay... what's to explain here? Every l33t hax0r knows the following, and
you must too.
Once you have learned these... don't forget to show off your knowledge to
make the non-hax0rs feel weak. They will ph33r you. Tell them that you own
them and that you will crash their computers and steal their credit cards
from their wallets... you can do that you know... of course you did, j00 are
l33t.

Nukez :: This is something the government has, it is rare, but some very
VERY EXTREMELY l33t hax0rz (namely ME) have hax0red the government's intense
defenses and stolen nukez, we then use them via a phone line to wrex0r j00r
computer.... ph33r m3, I 0wn j00 punx0r.

UNIX :: Your weak minds cann0t handle the concept of UNIX, so don't ask...
What I CAN tell you is that UNIX is generally used by people older than 30,
with long pony tails to compensate for their balding and they are frequently
arrested by the fashion police for their incessent use of out dated 60z
clothing.... beware.

Linux :: The modern day version of UNIX, however, Linux users have been
known to often froth at the mouth and swear that Macintosh is NOT the
world's greatest O/S.... They are stupid... see below.

IPX/SPX :: Once upon a time, a small company named Novell was founded by a
guy who has no nuts. He then looked at the world and said, "I'm common-sense
challenged, therefore I must make IPX/SPX, a protocol that noone has ever
heard of, and that there is NO practical use for and make the world use it
for computers to communicate across a network and throw everyone into mass
confusion, only THEN will I be super l33t like Digital Fox." Please note, he
has no nuts, he can never be l33t.

TCP/IP :: This stands for "Transmission Control Protocol / Internet
Protocol" Don't try to understand it... just know that you must use it to
hax0r people... you can download it... it's a pretty big file, but a TRUE
Had0r has it, just ask me for it sometime.

OOB :: This stands for "Out Of Band" data. This is used to crash computers.
You must send people cheep recordings of sucky bands like, Green Day, Bush
and Yani. Thier computer phreaks out so bad it crashes.

Macintosh :: The world's greatest O/S, j00 must have it to hax0r.

O/S :: This means "Operating System" like Macintosh. (Windows is NOT an
Operating System... it's just sucky)

AOL :: The worlds fastest, most reliable connecting ISP. Also owned by
Microsoft... the best maker of software out there (rumor is you can buy
souls from them too... but I just hax0r them)

ISP :: This means "Internet Service Provider" IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU
HAVE ONE MORON!! sheesh.

Phreax0ring :: Phreaking is the art of scaring people with your computer.
(i.e. tellling them you are reading their hard drive right now, like I am
doing to you). It is a form of hax0ring... only the super l33t can phreax0r.

FTP :: This is "File Transfer Protocol" and you must have it to hax0r,
otherwise how will you download your l33t viruses you wrote onto other
people's computers? Most stores sell it, I reccomend buying it at Radio
Shack, they have everything.

RAP :: The world's worse music... you cannot be l33t if you listen to rap,
you can only be semi-l33t.

Phat :: A term l33t hax0rz use to describe their most righteous hacks.

Lamer :: People who don't know how to hax0r. People who can hax0r but never
tell anyone about it. People who don't use AOL.

l33t :: Stands for "leet" short for "elite" All hax0rs know this and must
use it when describing themselves to others. (i.e. I AM l33t PH33R MY
SKI11Z)

K-Rad :: This is a super l33t hax0r. This can also be used as a descriptive
word, (i.e. That phat syte was K-RAD).

Okay my little protoges! That's all your brain can handle for now (that's a
clinically proven fact.. don't question me). You must now go forth (after
you read Lesson Four) and brag to all your friends that you are "l33t" and
that they are not. Then you must deny all knowledge of this syte, as you
could land in jail just for saying that you read my work. I'm wanted you
know in 98 U.S.A. states, including Paris and Qubec... it's true... I swear.

Very Good!! Now you can move on to:

Well...my beloved protoges, this is it... the final lesson. I'm crying right
now... I'm so proud of you all. But.. enough with that... l33t hax0rs don't
cry, we HAX0R!!!

"Fox," you ask, "I have all this great knowledge that you have bestowed upon
me at great undying risk to yourself, now, what does a lamer like me do with
your vast knowledge?"

Well, let me tell you silly...

j00 HAX0R EVERYTHING!!!!

And then you brag about it. Don't forget kiddies:

YOU MUST BRAG!!! OTHERWISE NOONE WILL KNOW!!
Make sure you tell people how stupid they are, otherwise
they will never know how pathetic they are and how great
you are... Rub it in, watch how fast you become famous.

Now that you are a hax0r, you must email every government agency telling
them how much their security sucks and how much you know about Gibsons, and
how they should hire you because you can fix anything and train them. Don't
forget to tell them that if they don't you will hax0r their mainframe and
paste pictures of Barney on all their Windows 95 machines... You are after
all using a Mac, if you indeed are a really l33t hax0r. Oh yeah... tell them
you hax0red the President's email... then they will REALLY ph33r you and you
will own them... I do.

Watch how fast they come to your house offering you phat jobs with lots of
money. It happens to me everyday, I have to turn down so much stuff...
because I already have a nice job at Taco Bell, and I like it. I'm so l33t,
I can hax0r your tacos.

Watch out for people telling you that you don't know crap, because they are
just trying to make themselves look better than you. We know the truth tho.
You must torment them nonstop. You should talk like this:

"j00 sux0r, I wi11 hax0r j00r c0mput3r, ph33r my s|<i11z ph00l."

And you should message them lots. Don't forget to insult their mom, that
always makes them ph33r you. If they get really stupid, you must correct
them by telling them all the accronyms and definitions you memorized in
Lesson 3. It's okay to belittle them, after all, j00 are the l33t hax0r
here. If they tell you that you are wrong, tell them are going to nuke their
computer by sending them OOB music. Stock lots of Yani clips for this
occassion. Don't be afraid to send them.
(Note: Make sure to tell them you use AOL, that will scare almost anyone, as
only the most l33t hax0rz use it).

Okay all you crazy hax0rz you, I have to go because the FCC is knocking on
my door and I have to start hiding underground again. Good luck with your
hax0ring and remember, DENY THIS PAGE!!! I SMELL YOUR SOCKS!!! AAAHHH SPIT
INTO THE WIND AND EAT CHEESY PENUTS!!!!